London was the chosen spot this time. I told myself I belonged to the big cities of this world. I was looking forward for the rush and chaos I did not have in Portugal.
I remember thinking I wanted to get myself into one of the biggest Advertising agencies around the city and so I googled the 50 best known ones, wrote them on a paper, organized them in neighborhoods, printed 50 curriculums and off I went. After days of rain and getting lost (my phone did not have data at the time so there was a lot of stopping at cafes and asking strangers for help), I finally made it to TMW Unlimited, a digital Ad agency in the heart of Soho.
Apparently the issue was not the job nor was it the country I was living in. After all the craziness of moving cities and settling in, the emptiness was still there and I could not get it to go away. Plus the eating disorders situation was getting worse by the day. I was finally diagnosed: I had depression.
What exactly is depression? How does one live with it? How do we come to shine light to it so we start healing? I had no idea where to go from there. And the pressure of wanting to be good at my newly acquired job was adding crazy amounts to the weight I already had on me.
Dealing with such an impactful mental problem while trying to create a new life on my own in a different country was beyond challenging. I somehow managed to survive for a few months only to come to the realization I did not have to feel guilty or ashamed for it. I needed help - not only the professional type but, equally important, the family & friends's coziness type. I then decided to move back to Portugal. It was time to focus on my healing.
Funny enough, very few people back in London actually noticed something was off with me. That's how crazy this disease is: it makes us think all others see in us is an obvious, terrible disaster, while they are just not aware of anything but mostly the beauty in us.
And now, looking back I can only be grateful for the London days. The great amount of people I met, all the art that inspired me in ways I did not understand back then, the amount of resilience and resourcefulness I obtained: all of that brought me where I am today.
(To be continued...)
]]>Finland was a life school. Full of rough (and freezing) paths and some amazing moments, it marked the beginning of another, deeper, journey: the self-awareness one. For the first time ever, I was all by myself in an unknown place, realizing how self-suficient and brave I was while also having to face my fears and demons and starting to get to know who the hell this Elisa really was. Little did I know how my life would change forever from then on and we all heard it gets worse before it gets better, am I right?
There, my then unnoticed eating disorders began making me feel uncomfortable. I could not quite put my finger on what was going on though I did know something was off. I was losing control - and no human likes that sh*t.
On the other hand, with my snow boots on, I was going places. Met dozens of people from everywhere in this world, travelled all Northen European countries, learned Finnish (Moi Moi!) and intensely broadened my horizons.
A year later, some months before graduation, my not so long career in Advertising started with me being an intern at Leo Burnett Lisbon. I was finally in the midst of some of the best professionals in the business, learning and working like crazy, feeling important and needed. It was so cool. But something in me kept saying: "This is not it. Not yet." I remember trying to convince myself I was right where I was supposed to be, that nothing was wrong and that this would be my life forever. But a deeper calling was already in place.
I think I used the only resources I then knew well: escapism. Told myself I had had enough of being an intern and needed a next, bigger move. Decided I was going to live abroad again. But before that, why not stop by India for a month and a half?
There is something in me that likes the danger, the almost unsurvivable scenarios and the "don'ts" and "nos" from the people around me. All of those make me want to go forward even more. It might be due to having been raised by a very submissive, fearful mom. I somehow had to take over the courage and strenght - impersonate the hero archetype. So the trickier the situation, the more I'm enjoying it and trying to solve it by myself. India was a very good example: it is, by far, the most intense country on Earth. No other place carries more life and chaos and beauty than it. And I made it, I survived it. I'm a woman and I'm strong.
But, you guessed: I still had my ghosts to take care of and they surely came looking for me the minute I put my feet on another country.
(To be continued...)
]]>Thought a good, effective way to create some intimacy around here would be through one of my favourite activities: writing.
If you are reading this, it is very likely that we haven't (yet!) met in person and how amazing it is for me to think that my story would be of any interest to you! I see you and I appreciate all the love and support I've been getting since I started this intense, crazy journey of making art. So, out of total gratitude, let me guide you through my not so long but insanely fulfilled life.
It all began back in 1992 in a tiny city on the south side of the state of Minas Gerais, in Brazil. I'm a Taurus, in case you're wondering. Not your typical one though - sun, rising, moon AND venus in Taurus and yet, I'm the least glutton, lazy and attached person you might ever come across.
My folks, also Brazilian, had been living in Portugal 5 years prior to my birth and felt like surprising the entire family by showing up unannounced with my mom almost exploding with me. 1 month later, we were back in Lisbon and things started getting interesting.
I'm a single child and - not gonna lie - that was the biggest burden during my young years. See, I'm a VERY creative and communicative individual and literally all I wanted to do was to come up with stories and scripts. Either for the barbies to roleplay or for me to perform in front of my dad's old recording camera. Thank God for my child neighbors.
Writing and drawing were two of my most precious activities. I would turn up earlier from recess only to go back to the essay I was previously creating. At some point, though - and as it so often happens with children the age I was - I developed this certainty that I was not good enough for art and that art itself would not get me anywhere. Even when, a couple years later, I joined a theather company and was told I had talent, my already wired brain would tell me there was no point.
Thinking back now, I feel like that was the reason I decided to graduate in Advertising and Marketing: it was the closest thing to art that would not make me be an actual artist. After all, an artistic path is a little too much to ask, right? And who am I to question the script?
On the other side of things, my not so usual life story would make me interrogate my identity: am I Brazilian or Portuguese? Where do I belong and where is home? Funny enough, those thoughts would make my curiosity for the world out there flourish. My parents had a significant role in this too. We would travel as much as we could and by a very young age I would have already visited a lot of countries. Not to mention the yearly visits to Brazil and so when, at some early stage, I announced I wanted to go on my first solo move abroad, it was not so surprising. Finland it was.
(To be continued...)
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